Greetings from small town America.

For your reading pleasure, as we pedal towards Glacier National Park, here are excerpts from the crime report, as published in the local Flathead Beacon newspaper.

No, we’re not making this up:

• 12:30pm. At a Hungry Horse laundromat, someone took clothing that was not their own.
• 1:08pm. Someone thought that several checks had been stolen from his billfold. Come to find out, he had actually written the checks himself.
• 1:39pm. Several llamas were running amok near the Flathead County Fairgrounds. Authorities assisted in a hasty round-up.
• 4:17pm. The Columbia Falls Fire Department responded to a flaming port-a-potty at the local baseball field.
• 4:32pm. Someone called to report a fire in their oven. Responding officers found no flames but evidence of a bubbling pie.
• 7:06pm. Someone in Lakeside found an injured bird, possibly a robin. The individual has made arrangements to care for the creature.
• 7:51pm. A man was wandering about in a pair of G-string underpants near the Old Steel Bridge, much to the dismay of passers-by. Authorities were unable to locate said individual.
• 4:54am. A man was seen hiding in the bushes near a Columbia Falls residence. Upon further investigation, it was found that he was the homeowner.